family

politics and dynamics and scary things afoot here in vegas. my grandmother is losing her mind. I think it must be terrifying thing, and I am so empathetic and I want so very badly to console her and tell her everything will be ok and that we all love her more than words could ever express...but she forgets it as it's been said, sometimes. I say it anyway, where my mom can't hear me (and therefore cannot discourage me, or tell me she won't remember). I feel so badly and all I want is to take away her anxiety and fear. I want to hug her and remind her of all the good pretty shiny things in this life. I want to explain that there's nothing to be afraid of, but I think that must be a lie, so I don't say it. I don't know what I am supposed to do and I am so scared that she will die feeling scared and alone. I am of the generation that isn't "supposed" to do anything, and I am scared she will think we don't *want* to do anything. I fear for my mother's own quality of life as she feels the burden of elderly care fall on her as the local relative.

I'm lonely. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I tried to talk to my dad, and then my mom. But as I said, I'm not "supposed" to have anything to do with the decision making process. My brother has his wife to share these sorts of things with, and we're not as close as we once were, which hurts as well. I like my SIL plenty, she's rad; but my brother and I haven't lived in the same town for almost a decade, and we've drifted apart. I think this trip is the first time I'm really feeling that.

I just want grandmama to be comfortable and unafraid. I want to be able to somehow imbue this feeling of solace and joy with some kind of permanence and calm.

I can't.