wrote this about three weeks ago...premonition, perhaps

ego

the only one who understood when I went vegetarian for my teen years

and congratulated me on my healthy choice

cooking 9-course breakfasts rather than 7

to accommodate my neurosis

 

the only one to know the value of a three-pocket hoodie,

and to purchase it immediately, knowing it was just for me

 

when she lost her mind all at once over only a few weeks

no dx, no solution

white matter theories riddled with guilt

grey matter suppositions rife with regret

I knew only my own grief

 

selfish and greedy,

lamenting that she will never know my husband,

though she may meet him someday

that she won’t remember that I love her

every day

 

these days, I remember to love him out loud

he who loved her so well for so long

who remains stoic and strong

he’s going to grow old alone now,

and I grieve for that, too

 

I mail small physical reminders,

to her/care of him

and wonder if she gazes about her room

curious where the colored paper cranes came from

if touching and handling these tiny tokens

sparks a light of love and calm,

or if she is only confused by the frail folds,

saddened because she knows she ought to remember

 

my wonderful mother,

who is wonderful because her mother was wonderful

has lost her mother

and I can’t help but wonder

if I’ll be as capable

when the looming pressure behind all the travel is realized,

and she no longer can

when the cancer wins for good and there’s nothing more to cut out or tear away…